Moving Day

Hi Readers! I am so excited to tell you that The Guilty Parent is moving.

We've found a new home for this little ol' blog and a domain too!

The new home will give me the opportunity to post more of my parenting articles, work and add pages! New pages will allow for some exciting surprises later this year!

Eventually I will move this design (with a little updating of course) as I think it still really fits the blog.

Please head over to the new home of The Guilty Parent at http://www.theguiltyparent.com

I hope to see you there!

Are We Missing the Teachable Moments

If you read my other blog, Chaos in the Country, you know I've been gone much of this last week. I accompanied Bug on a class trip to Washington D.C.

How exciting it was to experience it with him. I took every opportunity I could to talk to him about why we were there what the monuments and memorials signified and why we had to be respectful and silent in certain places. I only wish that every other parent and teacher that attended had provided the students with the same kind of information I did.

we were in Arlington National Cemetery witnessing a funeral procession for a fallen soldier. How ironic that we were watching this as Memorial Day approached us. I stood in silence as a military band led the procession with a drum cadence. The only sound was their boots hitting the pavement and the sounds of horse drawn carriage carrying the casket with the United States flag drawn over it. I looked around at the students, parents, and our teacher and was shocked to see many of them taking pictures of the scene or even recording it. I approached as many of them as I could and told them they couldn't take pictures or film the procession; it was disrespectful to the family of the fallen soldier. All put their cameras away except for one father who continued to chat on his cell phone. As the motorcade began I heard utterances of how long we would be standing in that spot, when would the motorcade end and could anyone see the end of it?

I was appalled and stunned. This was a valuable moment our children were witnessing and the moment to tell them of the importance and sadness of the moment we were watching was bypassed. Instead, a family's sorrow and grief was turned into a media moment for us.

Is it me or is something inherently wrong when even our own educators miss a moment to teach the children about respect, understanding and compassion... let alone patriotism in our Nation's Capital? That moment set the tone for me in terms of the teachers passing up moments to educate our children on the reason for our visit. A scavenger hunt replaced actual teaching and in moments where silence and respect was requested, kids scrambled to find answers and used the memorials as their desks to fill in the scavenger hunt.

I'm disappointed in our school and in our teachers and even the other parents for not using the time they had wiser. I realize that schedules and the itinerary was tight but in moments where there was nothing to do but wait, take the time to tell the kids about what they were seeing, what they may have been witnessing and why quiet was necessary. What the silence means to the people who have lost and who have honored and done great things for our country.

It's bad enough that our schools teach around to the specifications to the next test but do they need to start teaching to the itinerary as well? Don't our kids deserve to have the teachable moments explained to them?

How many teachable moments do you miss in a day with your children? What keeps you from taking the time? Are you afraid that you will be late to the next big thing?

You don't get these moments back, these moments don't wait for you to realize their importance. Why squander them?

Why Can't We Be Honest?

I had never given much thought to the fact that I am not totally honest with myself and other people about what it's like to be a parent.

I don't know that I am not honest but I will admit that I don't post some of my more raw feelings about being a mom... Maybe I should.

To start with: I don't always want to hear what my kids did at school that day. There have been days when the sound of their voices absolutely grates on every one of my nerves.

That's not nice is it? No... It's not but IT IS THE TRUTH.

The truth is ugly. It's not pretty. It's not pretty and motherly to say I feel like throwing a party the moment they are in bed or at school. It's not even remotely loving to say I fantasize about the days when they will be grown, or that I dream of running away in the middle of the night, never to return without even so much as a note telling them dinner is in the fridge.

See the problem with the truth and being honest is that people want it, until they actually get it. Once it's out there, WHOA BUDDY! It's a can of worms most people can't really deal with.

We think that if we are being honest or truthful about how painfully ugly, selfish, and slave-like parenting can be, it's an admission of guilt.

But is it? If I tell you that once they hit school age, I am counting the days until they move out or that even though I paid for them to play in sports, I dread the practices and the time the games take away from other things I could be doing... If I tell you all of that, is it an admission of my parental guilt?

I feel guilty when I forget the lunch they need for a field trip or snacks for school. I feel guilty when there isn't extra money for the new shoes they want or when Bebe asks me if I plan on working all summer. Those are guilty moments.

It's not guilt to stand up and say, Hell yes they irritate me. Every time they start droning on about who did what to whom at recess, I block them out and start picturing the days when I will wake up in the morning and not have to get anyone ready for school because they have all moved out.

It's honesty. But honesty scares the crap out of people. It makes them recoil in horror (like you are doing right now... OH MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILD.)

Believe it sister. I love them, I love to look at them, I love to watch them play and learn new things but some days, I love them more when they are quiet... or sleeping.

I am sure that there are moms and dads out there who don't feel this raw honesty. But as sure as I am about that, I am sure that at least once a day, some mom calls up her best mom friend and says, "I really, really don't like kids"

Too harsh? Probably but I think that any parent who has not felt at least one "Why-did-I-have-kids-they-make-me-insane" thought is quite possibly lying to themselves.

It is quite possible to love and hate having kids all in the same breath. It's not the popular way of thinking but it is the truth. You can love them and at the same time, hate the way your life has changed. You can hate that if you didn't have kids, you could be doing something absolutely fabulous instead of washing dishes for the seventh time that day.

The thing is, people aren't ready to hear all of that. (It's a good thing no one reads this blog then huh? Can you imagine if this got out?)

Vanity Fair Not Helping Miley Cyrus's "Tween Angel" Image in Photo Spread

I read a news story about Miley Cyrus this morning that struck me from a mom point of view and not as a writer. It's odd when this happens because usually I can find a way to see both sides of things but not this time.

According to the AP, Miley is embarrassed over a Vanity Fair photo spread. She was recently interviewed for a piece in Vanity Fair (which you can read here) and there is also a slideshow where you can view the picture in question.

I read the article from Vanity Fair and I also saw the slideshow. Miley is embarrassed and apologizing to her fans because now that she's seen the end result and read Bruce Handy's piece on her, she feels embarrassed. I think she is well within her rights to feel this way, especially when Handy ventures out to say that she isn't really a girl when she smiles for the paparazzi but instead a "well-drilled pro hitting her marks". No sorry Mr. Handy. She is still just a girl. The entire beginning of Handy's article represents Miley Cyrus as a hot commodity, citing her financial future and worth and says little about how "normal" she is (until midway to the end)... though the article begs the question in it's hook. I know that's how journalism can work but remember, I'm a mom right now. Not a writer.

I don't get involved in Media or the next tween sensation because my kids don't really get involved in it but after reading Handy's article and reading what the AP is saying Miley's true reaction to the photo shoot and article is, I can fully understand why Miley Cyrus feels embarrassed.

The photo has her covering her front with what looks like a satin sheet while she is facing the camera sideways and her bare back is partially if not completely exposed. Yes, it is racy for a 15 year old girl and I fully agree with Disney's remarks that "a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines". I do realize that Disney themselves manipulates her as well but not in a way that compromises the morality and integrity of the girl. I say this with confidence especially when Handy himself quotes Miley as saying, "And you can’t say no to Annie (Liebovitz). She’s so cute. She gets this puppy-dog look and you’re like, O.K.”

Sounds like an adult (Liebovitz) took liberty with a young girl's emotions to give in and ran with it.

The picture to me... as a mom, is a way I wouldn't want my girl photographed. First of all, she's my daughter and I don't care what she's paid to appear in or how big of a "meal ticket" - as Handy himself calls her is, she is a young girl. A young impressionable girl. Second, and this is could be a stretch (depending on your liberal or conservative views of kids and teens in the Entertainment industry)... but couldn't those pictures be construed as a form child pornography? Maybe, maybe not. She is topless, though her front is covered. Third, our world is full of sickos and perverts... do we need to give them a reason?

I like Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray, I enjoy the music but speaking as a mom, and I see myself as pretty liberal most times... there has to be accountability too. Miley's parents were on the set of the shoot, Billy Ray was in a couple of them with Miley. I have to ask...

Why didn't they have a problem with the picture?

I realize I don't live in the industry they do... I'm just a Midwest mom of four... but still you see your topless daughter covering herself with a sheet and it's ok? When did parenting check out of the picture here and take a back seat to good judgement when it comes to your daughter's honor? I fail to see how they can sit on the sidelines of this and really be ok? Especially since they have a younger daughter probably looking up to her big sis? It really baffles me.

Or were they swayed by Liebovitz's "puppy-dog" look too? Yes, I am sure Miley at the time wanted to do the shoot but as parents don't we have the right and obligation to protect our children from something that may harm them?

I'm asking you moms and dads... Did Vanity Fair overstep their bounds with this young lady? Should mom and dad have had the foresight to see this as a bad decision and protect Miley from it?

Vanity Fair's website captioned Miley Cyrus as "Tween Angel" so why couldn't they go ahead and let her be just that... an angel instead of the provocative adult image they are trying to sell?

Strike Out on Her Own or Stay at Home?

It's been a while since The Guilty Parent has had some reader mail. This letter is a little unconventional but I still think it warrants an answer. Read on...

Dear Guilty Parent

I am not a parent yet myself but I am hoping you can help me with an issue I am having with my own parents.

I am 19 years old, a college student and still living at home. I help out my parents by watching my younger siblings when they work and I also go to work myself. I also have a fiance.

The problem is that my mom thinks just because I still live at home she can give me a curfew and also has other childish rules for me to follow. The last time I went out with my fiance she wanted me home by 10pm! I'm almost 20! Don't I get to decide when I can come and go now that I am an adult? Isn't it unfair of her to set a curfew for me when I work, go to school and help out my parents with my siblings?

I don't know what to do about this but I know that there has to be something wrong with this, doesn't there?

Thank you and I hope you can help me...

Signed,

Frustrated young woman

Dear Young Woman,

You may find this hard to believe but I side with both of you and your parents on this one and before I tell you why, I have to ask why you are still at home... I can only assume it is to save some money before you marry but again, assumptions aside...

Yes, I do think that it's unfair that your mom imposes such a strict curfew for a woman your age. As a young adult, I was never given such curfews when I lived at home and one of my siblings (older than you) still lives at home with my mother and he has no such curfew. I would think that as a parent your mom should trust you to be able to come in at a reasonable hour on your own - since you work and attend college I can only guess that you are at least semi-responsible, especially since you are trusted to care for siblings while they are away. It's time you had a heart to heart with your mom about being able to trust you and allow you to be the young woman you are - in short, she needs to loosen the apron strings a bit.

Now, on the other hand, you are also asking for the advice of a mom... so I will say, that if the house rules include a curfew you should abide by it. Whether or not you think the curfew and other rules are unreasonable, it is still her home and her rules. Once I was 18, I was welcome to leave at any time. You are still the example by which your siblings learn from and I'm guessing this is why your mom is doing this. Regardless of whether or not she agrees to make some changes for you, considering your age, respect her home and be home at a reasonable time.

Is it also possible that mom worries about you? The curfew may sound childish but it could be the one last way she has to show she worries about you and wants to keep you safe.

Talk to your mom and find out why the need for rules that have outgrown you. If you can't come to a decision, then it could be time for you to leave the nest after all. Talk to some girlfriends and see if you can't share some space until you walk down the aisle. It may be what you and mom both need!

 

What do you think parents? What else can we tell this young woman?